3rd April 2017

Still.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Everything happened so slowly.                                                                                                           It was Christmas Eve, we were driving late at night so we could surprise his parents the next day. He hadn’t seen them in so long. I felt a nervous excitement. The heaters were on full blast, warming our cosy hideaway turning us into logs on an open flame. Free; The sun was just beginning to set, falling in the sky and landing beyond the clouds. Music was blaring out of the speakers. Singing out hearts out to the sweet sound of Jingle Bells, whilst we drove down the frigid winter highway. We had everything, planning a wedding, we had a baby on the way. I wrapped my arms around my protruding belly, an angel sent from heaven.

I pressed my forehead against the glass, thinking about how my breath stained the window. The treacherous landscape was flushed in monochromatic shades.                                                  Laughing as I drew two teensy weensy stick figures holding hands on the pane. Successions of stars filled the sky in scattered constellations. I knew he didn’t like driving at night, but oh how he knew I loved the stars.                                                                                                                   Clasping my palm our fingers intertwine, soft skin, brown eyes. The potent aroma of burnt timber enveloped me. Articulating my sentences carefully, deep down my shallow self is still trying to impress him. I am no bird to cage.

I closed my eyes, with my head resting on his shoulder. The sky once occupied with countless stars, was now filled with clouds gingerly cradling the trees in their slumber. I laid back in the seat. Counting the street lights as they slowly fade into darkness. The music had stopped, and the subtle sound of our heart beats entwine once again they become one like two cells fusing together. The car hummed as we made our way over the tarmac. I must’ve fallen asleep because all I remember after that was carnage. The car jolted, and I awoke. A bright white light flashed. Still in a daze, I looked at him for reassurance. But he was already lost in a unescapable trance. Hands pressed rigidly to the wheel. Without breaking his gaze, I saw him mouth one last thing.                                                                                                                           “I love you”.

Everything happened so fast.                                                                                                           This wasn’t the surprise we intended.                                                                                                                            No longer in our carefree dinky car, Trapped in a pen of mangled metal and torn fabric. A prisoner of my own destruction. Holding the life inside of me one last time. Holding onto the hope that everything will be okay.                                                                        A surge of piercing air forces its way through the shattered glass, cooling the hell I’m incarcerated to.                                                               The tires give way, all traction is lost. Motion; We roll, over and over again we roll. Uncontrollably. Obliterating everything that comes into contact. The windscreen disintegrates, birds in flight after a gun shot.                                                                                                                                          Still; all movement has come to an end. Broken shards of glass surround my body. Words fall from my lips in broken fragments. In this moment I realise the brevity of life. A shallow stream of water accumulates around my head, reflecting the harrowing scene of which surrounds me. Tiny glass bullets are strewn into my skin, like pins to a cushion. I feel no pain.

Motionless I lay in a frail agony. Silence, my mind is blank. Empty. Bare. Deserted. Desolate. The overwhelming scent of petrol suffocates my lungs with each inhale. Drowning in the wollers of my own suffering. In the distance, the growing sound of sirens wail. My vision blurs a tinted scarlett, as my saviours dawn closer.                                                                      A joyous sorrow immerses me, as I am being carried away. A woman, tall and thin clutches my hand, as fish would a hook. For survival.                                                                                                                 As she speaks to her colleague in a hush tone, I can only make out one thing,                                                                                                     “She’s been blessed to continue to live such a cursed life”. All is dark.

I awaken, the interrupted hospital lights flicker over head. Eyes open, I do not blink. The tumulterous voices slow to no more than a faint murmur. Raging thoughts encapsulate within me, I do not speak. Silence. All eyes on me. The perpetual pain of loss sinks in, I stay still; Being consumed by grief. A single tear rolls down my cheek, I do not move. Motionless. Staring at the flickering hospital lights I breathe. I could never have fathomed so much going so horribly wrong in the space of 24 hours.

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